So should I...

I want so badly to go to the DPS office and get the accident report to see what it says. There are missing pieces in my memory and this would fill the gaps, but ... would it cause me too much anxiety?

I still cry myself to sleep, and think of the accident. I try to push it out of my head, but it doesn't work.

I want to speak to other parents, but no one can truly relate to my story.

Agh, the agony.

Horrible...

I have been horrible about posting on this blog. I first thought no one was reading it, but I'm wrong. Emrie had her surgery and it went great! Much better than expected.

I've also accomplished the feat of ordering Chloe's headstone. It will read "one year of heaven on Earth" I'm not sure I can bring myself around to go visit it any time soon, though.

We also have a stone in our garden that says " if tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again." AND I WOULD.

I still cry myself to sleep and wonder what happened that I can't remember. I'd love to pick my neighbors, paramedics, and fireman's memories, but I can't. They all cry when I bring it up. They all wonder what else they could have done to save her. Plain and simple, they all miss her.

Some of the firemen had to receive counseling after the accident. It was hard for everyone. Some of them even had to visit the ER Dr. that pronounced her. They wanted to hear it from him that there was nothing else they could have done to save her.

Me... I blame myself. I should have thrown her in the car as it was rolling back on us. I just couldn't think fast enough.

Surgery and other ramblings

We found out that Emrie's surgery will be sometime in the first week of August. Although I have searched and searched I cannot find something that will tell me exactly what her surgery will be like. Let me stop. I know what the surgery entails, etc. I'm actually looking for answers that no one can give me until they are actually operating on her. I want to know if she has any dead bowel, if she will be wearing a bag afterword, when she will come home, etc. The Dr asked us yesterday if we had anymore questions, and all I can say is "yes, but even you can't answer them."

I've run into something odd, too. It's my child in the NICU, so why can't I read her complete charts? Instead they give me a six page summary, compared to her 300 page chart.

One more question... does anyone know how I can get the word out on this blog? I would love to help more people in need and in some sort of the same situation.

Books and other stuff

So I haven't found any books on dealing with Emrie's situation, but I did find one on dealing with the loss of a child. I know that some people here have lost their lil loved one, so maybe this book will help.. It's called Comfort: A Journey Through Grief. It's really a great read, it's by an author who lost her five year old unexpectedly. I also found a book called Momm, Please Don't Cry, There are No Tears in Heaven By Linda Deymaz. Both are very comforting to me. I promise one day I'm going to write my own book of our story.

I haven't talked very much about my other two children and I feel bad. I have an 8 year old who is so beautiful on the outside, and so intelligent on the inside. She tries to be the strong one, and not cry for Chloe or her brother. She remembers good times with Chloe, as do I.

My five year old was at the scene of the accident. She was said to have been standing on the curb asking for help for me, as I was screaming for it. She told my parents she tried to free me by pulling my arm out, but she couldn't help anymore. When Chloe was laid on the grass after they pulled her from under the car, my five year old, Ashlee, said she pulled up her shirt to help her breathe and then Chloe went to sleep. I'll always let her think that. I'm never going to tell her she died right then and there. So, Ash has a much harder time seeing pictures of Chloe, and sometimes even visiting Emrie. I'm almost sure she doesn't want to become attached to Emrie because she's scared of losing her.

Donations

Right after the accident is when the donations began to pour in. We've recived over 15, 000.00 worth of donations in Chloe's name. I'm am so thankful to EVERYONE who helped us out. We also recieved meals for over a month. I just could not believe how much people cared. Today, we recieved these handmade burp cloths from a stranger. Aren't they cute?

Every night...

Every night I relive the same day over and over... the day of the accident.

I often think how I could have saved Chloe, how I could have prevented the accident, and many others.

The reality is that she is gone, I am here, and Emrie was born early. I do not remember much of what went on that day after I was found under the car. I don't know where Chloe ended up under the car, or how she got there, because she was in my arms. The neighbor has said he pulled out from the other side of the car. I want to ask everyone details, but everyone cries when I ask them.

I am fortunate to live accross the street from the fire cheif, so all the firemen who were there, know my family. Behind me lives the paramedic that was on the scene with me. Her partner worked on Chloe.

One of the firemen who worked on Chloe kept yelling out his own daughters name. Chloe looks like his baby, and that was all that was on his mind as he tried to save her. After the accident he had to recieve counseling. He said every time he closed his eyes he could see her closing her eyes for the last time.

When I arrived home from the hospital with a skull fracture, to VERY sprained ankles with ligament damage, and bruised from head to toe... I saw a mini shrine put up by firemen, neighbors, people that didn't even know us. There were flowers, stuffed animals, new clothes for Emrie, diapers, cards, etc.

As I've always said, Chloe touched everyone she ever saw... even in her last minutes.

Today's newest news

Emrie will be starting physical therapy today... woo hoo... it's more like a playdate for us :) I will have to post pictures on here later. Her surgery we found out is scheduled for the first week of August to repair her intestines.

Lately I've been looking online for support group for preemies, which I know that no one can share our story, but at least they can share the experiences we are having with our baby in the NICU. I came accross the March of Dimes site that has blogs, message boards, and short stories. It's been very helpful to me. Now I just wish I could find something or some website that would help me deal with the pain of losing Chloe.

I have to pray every day for strength... and for the memories of that day to quit haunting me.