Chloe Kaye

Chloe Kaye
2/18/07 to 6/4/08

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Surgery and other ramblings

We found out that Emrie's surgery will be sometime in the first week of August. Although I have searched and searched I cannot find something that will tell me exactly what her surgery will be like. Let me stop. I know what the surgery entails, etc. I'm actually looking for answers that no one can give me until they are actually operating on her. I want to know if she has any dead bowel, if she will be wearing a bag afterword, when she will come home, etc. The Dr asked us yesterday if we had anymore questions, and all I can say is "yes, but even you can't answer them."

I've run into something odd, too. It's my child in the NICU, so why can't I read her complete charts? Instead they give me a six page summary, compared to her 300 page chart.

One more question... does anyone know how I can get the word out on this blog? I would love to help more people in need and in some sort of the same situation.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Books and other stuff


So I haven't found any books on dealing with Emrie's situation, but I did find one on dealing with the loss of a child. I know that some people here have lost their lil loved one, so maybe this book will help.. It's called Comfort: A Journey Through Grief. It's really a great read, it's by an author who lost her five year old unexpectedly. I also found a book called Momm, Please Don't Cry, There are No Tears in Heaven By Linda Deymaz. Both are very comforting to me. I promise one day I'm going to write my own book of our story.

I haven't talked very much about my other two children and I feel bad. I have an 8 year old who is so beautiful on the outside, and so intelligent on the inside. She tries to be the strong one, and not cry for Chloe or her brother. She remembers good times with Chloe, as do I.

My five year old was at the scene of the accident. She was said to have been standing on the curb asking for help for me, as I was screaming for it. She told my parents she tried to free me by pulling my arm out, but she couldn't help anymore. When Chloe was laid on the grass after they pulled her from under the car, my five year old, Ashlee, said she pulled up her shirt to help her breathe and then Chloe went to sleep. I'll always let her think that. I'm never going to tell her she died right then and there. So, Ash has a much harder time seeing pictures of Chloe, and sometimes even visiting Emrie. I'm almost sure she doesn't want to become attached to Emrie because she's scared of losing her.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Donations


Right after the accident is when the donations began to pour in. We've recived over 15, 000.00 worth of donations in Chloe's name. I'm am so thankful to EVERYONE who helped us out. We also recieved meals for over a month. I just could not believe how much people cared. Today, we recieved these handmade burp cloths from a stranger. Aren't they cute?

Friday, July 25, 2008

Every night...

Every night I relive the same day over and over... the day of the accident.

I often think how I could have saved Chloe, how I could have prevented the accident, and many others.

The reality is that she is gone, I am here, and Emrie was born early. I do not remember much of what went on that day after I was found under the car. I don't know where Chloe ended up under the car, or how she got there, because she was in my arms. The neighbor has said he pulled out from the other side of the car. I want to ask everyone details, but everyone cries when I ask them.

I am fortunate to live accross the street from the fire cheif, so all the firemen who were there, know my family. Behind me lives the paramedic that was on the scene with me. Her partner worked on Chloe.

One of the firemen who worked on Chloe kept yelling out his own daughters name. Chloe looks like his baby, and that was all that was on his mind as he tried to save her. After the accident he had to recieve counseling. He said every time he closed his eyes he could see her closing her eyes for the last time.

When I arrived home from the hospital with a skull fracture, to VERY sprained ankles with ligament damage, and bruised from head to toe... I saw a mini shrine put up by firemen, neighbors, people that didn't even know us. There were flowers, stuffed animals, new clothes for Emrie, diapers, cards, etc.

As I've always said, Chloe touched everyone she ever saw... even in her last minutes.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Today's newest news

Emrie will be starting physical therapy today... woo hoo... it's more like a playdate for us :) I will have to post pictures on here later. Her surgery we found out is scheduled for the first week of August to repair her intestines.

Lately I've been looking online for support group for preemies, which I know that no one can share our story, but at least they can share the experiences we are having with our baby in the NICU. I came accross the March of Dimes site that has blogs, message boards, and short stories. It's been very helpful to me. Now I just wish I could find something or some website that would help me deal with the pain of losing Chloe.

I have to pray every day for strength... and for the memories of that day to quit haunting me.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

People...

Today I was at the bank and the teller asks me "how is your baby?" I look at her strangely for several minutes, and ask... do I know you? Of course I don't know her. She either read about me, or saw our accident on the news. I've had so many people who don't know me come to me and tell me how sorry they are. It's amazing that a HUGE community can pull so closely together. I have googled my own name just to see what people have read about our accident and here is what I have come up with...

http://www.khou.com/news/local/montgomery/stories/khou080604_tj_infantkilled.5fc9349b.html

This is one of many articles...

Forgot something

Our daughter that died that fateful day was a twin. When her twin brother was ten days old he died of trauma from birth. So within fifteen months we lost two babies. Both are in our hearts and souls forever.

With that being said, I still have a beautiful 8 year old, 5 year old, and a baby that is 2 1/2 months old still living in the NICU.

Our baby is fighting, truly. The Dr's have said this over and over to me... "she's a fighter" or "she's a miracle." I was told two days ago that upon her delivery they didn't think she was alive... it was a moment of silence as she was pulled out of me via c section, and then... she came out screaming. I believe she is here to stay with us, but there is also a part of me that doesn't want another child ripped away from me, and I'm scared to death of losing another one.

Anyway, Emrie, our baby, has developed NEC which is a feeding disorder that causes the intestines to either close down or almost close down to where she cannot pass anything through. It has been a roller coaster ride with her... one I want off of. She has gone through not breathing, heart rate drops, and now she will need surgery. Unfortunately I have to wait until Monday to find out when her surgery will be. The Dr's have set up one huge meeting to discuss everything from birth to what's going to have to happen in the future. This meeting scares me to death. I'm scared of what I will hear...

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

How did I get here?

That is the question I wake up asking every day, until my mind fills with the memories of June 4, 2008.

Our story starts with a tragedy, unfortunately. On June 4th of this year I was almost 8 months pregnant and had three beautiful daughters who were 7, 5, and 15 months. On this particular day I was unloading dry cleaning from the car and had left my 15 month old in the car with it running while she slept, since I couldn't carry her and the laundry. I put the clothes up, got her out of her seat, went to the front of the car and turned the key off. The car began rolling back on us, with us trapped beside the car and behind the open door.

The door kept hitting us as the car rolled down our drive way. I had my daughter in my arms, I tried everything to pull us inside the car, and I just couldn't. The last thing I remember is grabbing the turn signal to hang on to, and it broke....

I woke up hearing someone scream for help... wait... I thought... that's me screaming for help. I came to reality. I was under the car, a tire on top of me. I was burning. I could hear my neighbors behind me... jacking the car up.. and then..... "THERE'S A BABY UNDER THERE!" My 15 month old daughter had somehow ended up on the other side of the car. She died that day, not too far from me on our front lawn while paramedics and firemen worked to save her, she closed her eyes and took her last breath. I was taken from under the car, and rushed to the emergency room where they preformed a c section and exploratory surgery to see if i had any internal damage. I was only 31 weeks pregnant. My daughter, Emrie, was born on the day her sister, Chloe died. That's hard to swallow, even harder to admit.

Emrie has now spent 39 days in the NICU, she has survived NEC, but now needs a surgery to repair her intestines. She has had too many blood transfusions to count, and also has two heart murmurs. She went through a stage of not wanting to breathe on her own, but has over come that.

And that is how I got here...